Holy Hell

Sorry for the swearing but Holy Hell.

It's a little like being eaten alive.

Holy. Hell. On. Earth.

Honesty, by Billy Joel

Honesty, by Billy Joel -- a song I've been listening to lately. Every word is true.

Truman is losing his f*&@ing mind.

Truman, Where Are You?

The Verdict?

I saw an energy psychologist last week -- at great expense, and against my own intuition. I'm not sure what prompted me to go, I more or less trusted Jason's judgment, because he's helped me before. I also was in a desperate state.

The long and short of it was that I saw her for about 6 straight hours, in which she did her "channeling" which I felt very uneasy about. In any case, the general verdict was that I am, in fact, addicted to suffering -- there are chemicals that get released in the body under any psychological state that can become addictive.

I have struggled with this for the past few days. I always prided myself that I am not, even though depressed, dependent on drugs or alcohol. But I never really seriously considered whether I might be addicted to misery or suffering or pain. I must admit, at the moment, that it might explain matters. But I can't help thinking, also, that it is ridiculous. There is also the issue that animal protein contains the suffering of the slaughtered animals and therefore , seeing that I'm empathic in the first place, I might be picking up in a big way the animal's energy, because I do eat a heck of a lot of animal protein. I find it to be grounding.

So, the verdict, as stated, might be that I'm addicted to suffering, and that fact is what is preventing me from making all kinds of growth, spiritual and otherwise. In that case, the therapist said I must find for myself other avenues, besides suffering and torment, that might lead me to illumination because, she assures me, I will not succeed in the manner I've been trying. She claimed that she opened my mind up during the session to contemplating other ways of growth, that is, she consulted with my subconscious mind and reprogrammed it.

So, if I am addicted to suffering, the solutions may be apparent. Firstly, I can use my subliminals to help reprogram my mind by writing, say "I am no longer addicted to suffering." and watch what happens. I can also rely on Tracy's (the psychologist's) own reprogramming. I can also watch my meat intake, which seems to exacerbate my problem. Other than that, I think I'll just have to wait and see how things go the next few days.

Mephistopheles. How closely linked are Luck and Merit,
Is something fools have never known.
Had they the Wise Man's Stone, I swear it,
There'd be no Wise Man for the Stone.